Fuck you Facebook or Meta or whatever you're called. This time I mean it.

In the interests of trying to connect with family who only respond to shit on Facebook, I tried once again to open an account. This was the message I received after filling out the form with my real name:

We require everyone to use the name they use in everyday life, what their friends call them, on Facebook. Learn more about our name policies.

They don't tell you what those policies are or where to find them. I did a search in Help and found this:

www.facebook.com/help/112146705538576/?helpref=uf_share

As you can see, there is nothing helpful about the Help. So when prompted to respond to the query "Did this answer your question?" I bit back the foul language I had stored up (They only give you 500 characters to vent your spleen) and wrote this reply (paraphrasing):

I'm using my given-at-birth-name that is on all my government documents and is accepted by every social media site on the PLANET except Facebook. I guess you've never heard of Gen. James Doolittle who led the raid on Tokyo called the "Doolittle Raid". In the interest of connecting with family, I tried to set up an account and was given this message: We require everyone to use the name they use in everyday life, what their friends call them, on Facebook. Learn more about our name policies. Really? FFS.

So pathetic. They won't figure it out. Not now, not ever. I'm only posting this to let any random family member who nags me to "Join Facebook!" know that their addiction to the conglomerate that shuts out one of their own is why they'll never hear from me.

And friends who urge me to send documents to this fuckwit enterprise in order to get an account so they can contact me - that's a hard pass.

To all of the book marketers out there who email me daily hoping to get my enrollment fees in their Facebook courses - good luck with that. 

To everyone with whom I might do business with if only you weren't Facebook exclusive with your advertising, I guess I'll never know what I've missed, but I'm a little richer today.

And to all of you who rant on Facebook daily about a long list of grievances now at work in the world - YOU are the problem because you feed the beast that LOVES keeping those issues alive and well and flourishing in the hearts of humankind. Well done, you. 

Put in that light, Fuckbook has done me a favour. This Doolittle is out.  

Once upon a time, there was no Internet and people were just fine with that.

 Feel Sorry For Us. Go Ahead. 

After a day of wrestling with downloading, registering accounts requiring acres of confirmation, phone calls to young'uns to talk me off the ledge.... Accepting the new digital reality and trying to work with it.... Google asking me if I want to send that email because I used 'attachment' without attaching anything......

I reach for the wine that I swore I wouldn't drink until we were in a "Break Glass in Case of Emergency" situation. The glass is breaking. 

And then, on cue, Amazon Prime suggests I might want to listen to Elton John on this Friday with my wine and crankiness. 

I click the link because Elton has got me through many a bad time since 1974. And what do I find? Demands for my ENGAGEMENT because God forbid I just listen to the tunes and don't GIVE a bloody thing but my ears and appreciation. Since I own his records and I've paid to attend his concerts, Elton has got what he needs out of me to pursue his craft.

So go ahead. You have my permission to feel sorry for us as I used to feel sorry for my mom who thought ATMs were the spawn of Satan. Because we feel sorry for you. We feel sorry that you are commodities instead of recipients of bliss. We feel sorry that you aren't poring over liner notes in the privacy of your home instead of being prodded online for your "opinion" before you've had time to form one. 

I'm terrified to log in in this day and age. Bombarded with demands to know what I thought about certain artistic product. Did you know there was an era when artists put out their art and if it sold, it sold and if it didn't, they created something else? Elton got rich without my online input and his music will survive just fine without it now. 

I'm not a luddite. I know new performers depend on online reviews. So I would advise youngsters to reserve their review energy for their generation. We oldsters did that by buying records. No online reviews. We just bought in extraordinary numbers and that's why you have U2 and Elton and Alanis now. 

Elton is singing "Candle in the Wind" right now. We were kids when he recorded this. He made us feel something for celebrities, to care about them as much as we cared about our social justice issues. We had hearts then, not Twitter. So go ahead and feel sorry for us for not knowing we have to download our whole fucking lives. Or upload to a Cloud. We had hearts. 

One day, I promise you, you will be saying the same thing to the generation after you. 

Alvina Moon knows what I'm talking about:

The River Bride

Kim's Convenience is Cancelled!

Why can't we have nice things? Why take away our joy? 

Kim's Convenience made me laugh out loud every Tuesday night on CBC. There was plenty of story left in that tank. 

I signed the petition, though I doubt it'll change anything, but I wanted the cast and crew to know they had a fan and she will miss them very much. Damn! Damn! Damn!

How I'm feeling right now.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

CBC News Entertainment - Kim's Convenience

Save Kim's Convenience Petition

Four Years Later. And the Meaning of Remembrance Day.

Heroes fight fascism. They don't equivocate. They don't both-sides-it. They don't groom it with curated language to make it palatable enough to shove down our throats. 

They fight it. 

This Remembrance Day, after a hellish four years of supporting and encouraging my American friends not to succumb to the fascism that was at their door, the bravery of those heroes is suddenly, vividly, clear to me. 

With the strife boiling now in the USA some are asking if the fight is worth it. So let's begin with Tommy Douglas who defines our enemy beautifully:

 "Fascism begins the moment a ruling class, fearing the people may use their political democracy to gain economic democracy, begins to destroy political democracy in order to retain its power of exploitation and special privilege."  -Tommy Douglas

Tommy Douglas is voted The Greatest Canadian - Learn Why

It's breathtaking how the lies they spouted back then are the same lies they spout now. Taxpayers have the right to determine where and how their tax dollars will be used and have a say in their destiny. Which upsets fascists. How many decades do we have to hear the lie before we realize we already know the ending of this movie?

The past four years have taught me that comfort, peace and security has its dangers. Complacency is the enemy. As long as they keep chipping away at our democracy, the more we have to remain alert and active to hold onto it. The USA has prevailed. This time. We have to learn from their experience. Do your research. Challenge what you're told online. Look things up. Get the history behind the issue to see the full picture. Above all, test what you've heard or read by examining the fruit of the declaration. Did it lead to a better life for people or did it cause harm or did it stall the progress of the majority for the benefit of the minority? Ask! Don't take my word for it. 

And at the end of the day, when you feel overwhelmed by the clanging gongs on social media, watch this:

Henry V - St. Crispin's Day Speech

Heroes gave everything to fight fascism and win for me a soft, comfortable life. I owe it to them to wake up and fight in my corner for the generation to come. 

Suit up. Swords at the ready. 

Facebook shows its Evil Side

My love for Facebook is zero as many of you know.

Since it was unleashed on the world, young people have suffered increasingly from depression and anxiety levels have shot up in adults. It is not a fun, benign platform for folks to share pictures of their pets doing cute things. It is a frequently nasty cesspool of misinformation, hate speech and trolling fertilized by unbridled corporate greed.

But hey, that's just my opinion.

When I was blocked from joining due to my last name, I decided to make no attempt to appease the Great God Zuckerberg by sending his minions my personal identification. If he's too fucking stupid to program his AI to recognize the Doolittle name, then he doesn't deserve my eyeballs or my data.

Speaking of data....

This arrived in my inbox this morning from Friends of Canadian Broadcasting:

Dear Nadine,

As you and I concentrate on our families' health and safety in the midst of this pandemic, a small news item popped up under the radar: Facebook is suing the Canadian people. Maybe they thought we weren't paying attention.

Here's some background. Last year, Daniel Therrien, Canada's privacy commissioner, ruled that Facebook broke the law when it allowed our private information to be sold to Cambridge Analytica without our consent. That's the firm which led Donald Trump's misinformation offensive online.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, his lackeys, and his lobbyists have decided that the Privacy Commissioner, an officer of Parliament, shouldn't be allowed to tell them how to treat Canadians' private information. So they're going to court to sue Canada – you and me – for having the nerve to govern our own country.

This is just the latest example of US tech companies pushing us around. Amazon, Google, Facebook, Netflix: they don't follow our rules and they don't pay our taxes. So while you and I band together to ensure that Canadians make it through this crisis in good health, these outlaws are suing us so for the right to keep screwing us.

We can't let Facebook and other foreign tech companies decide what our laws should be. We must stand up for our values and our sovereignty.

Facebook and Google have decimated our media. They've claimed the content of Canada's journalists and creators as their own. They take it, for free, and make billions of dollars selling ads. Meanwhile, Canada's creators, artists and journalists are going bankrupt in huge numbers.

Enough. It's time for Canada to stand up for itself, and impose stringent regulations and taxes on foreign owned tech giants.

Send a letter to Prime Minister Trudeau now

By sending your message now, you're making it clear that you want Canada to stand up for itself. Thank you.

Best regards,

Daniel Bernhard
Executive Director
FRIENDS of Canadian Broadcasting

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zuckerberg is an asshole, but I'm not going to write PM Trudeau about this when he has enough to deal with right now. And battling the false information being distributed through Facebook about COVID-19 isn't helping matters.

But I will post this as a Public Service Message to my fellow Canadians. When you find yourself reading ripped off news items on Facebook, just remember the lawsuit your nation is facing in the middle of a pandemic because of this billionaire asshole, and conduct yourself accordingly.

What can you do?

Don't click on any ads you're shown. That cuts right into Zuckerberg's revenue by driving advertisers away when they realize Facebook doesn't produce a return on investment. Use the platform to connect but give away as little information as possible. Don't take any surveys. It's like having a private conversation on a crowded train. Talk, but in a lowered voice.

And if you can, delete your account and liberate yourself from the swamp. Your mental health will thank you. Lots of people function brilliantly without Facebook. But if that's not possible, resolve not to give them a penny in clicks or links or the content they crave.

If 19 million Canadians (the number of Facebook users in this country) abruptly ceased to use the platform and profits tanked, Zuckerberg would get the message.

Don't fuck with us. We are not that nice.

Harry and Meghan

Harry and Meghan gave this a lot of thought and made the difficult decision to step back from their royal duties to live as private citizens.

Y'all who complain--remember when Princess Diana, Harry's mother was killed by insane, immoral paparazzi who hunted her down for a photo? I watched with increasing anxiety as the same thing was happening to Harry and Meghan.

The anxiety is real. It's no joke. When Princess Diana died, I cried like I'd lost a family member and I wasn't the only one. She was a young mother at the same time I was a new mother. She was vulnerable and didn't pretend she wasn't. We loved her.

Harry's mother was dubbed the People's Princess because she was one of us and never made us feel we were 'less than.' To many of us, she wasn't a celebrity, she was an honorable person who was making a difference.

I support her boys, their privacy and their decisions. The Queen's statement on the issue demonstrated what a true ruler looks like. We need that level of sanity in these batshit crazy times.

So this is my message of support and welcome to the young family. Just in case they google their names. 😊

Media pundits, relax. This is not the Royal Family's first rodeo. We're all going to be just fine and baby Archie will have his mum and dad for a lot longer than Harry had his.

Peace out.

Copyright: Copyright zz/KGC-178/STAR MAX/IPx 2020

Oh Canada--it is time to grow up.

You know you're old when....

You remember your country's Centennial birthday. "It's the hundredth anniversary of Confederation! Everybody sing together!"

That year we travelled from British Columbia to Quebec in my parent's black station wagon towing a pink trailer to attend Expo 67. To fully grasp the insanity of this adventure, my parents had 6 children under the age of 10 and my mother was pregnant with no. 7.

I got lost at the Fair, was found by two French-speaking nuns. I didn't understand the language (even after numerous Saturday mornings of watching Chez Helene on the CBC) but I wasn't worried because they were nuns, right? They brought me to the Lost Children's Centre where I was given ice cream. My sister was sent to recover me, my parents were furious and I've been getting lost ever since.

What was unknown to me in those exciting days of Canada's 100th and bursting national pride was that children my age were being taken from their parents and forced into residential schools. In the very country that I was being taught to love, children were being grievously harmed by the policies of that country. The very institutions that took pains to return me to my parents were separating other children from their parents.

The only difference between me and the kids forced into residential schools is that I was white and they were aboriginal. I don't classify that as a difference. A kid is a kid is a kid. It boggles my mind. 1967 was hardly the dark ages. What the fuck was going on in the minds of those men and women? How could any human being conclude that taking children from their parents was a legitimate, moral act? What "problem" did those Canadians hope to solve by inflicting emotional and mental cruelty on other Canadians?

Fifty years later, lesson learned: It didn't solve a fucking thing. How could it possibly? Common sense--not hindsight--makes that clear. A 7-year-old school kid could have told those overpaid policy makers it was a bad idea. Our eyes are open, we have the facts, there's no stuffing that genie back in the bottle.

I'll celebrate my country's 150th birthday--but I'm not interested in rewriting the past. I'm not interested in equivocations or whitewashing so we can all have a good time. I don't want my little grandsons to be celebrating Canada's 200th birthday, wondering what was wrong with grandma's generation that we gave up on making this right when the going got tough.

We're all feeling warm and fuzzy right now and I don't want to be a buzz kill but I know this nation is capable of doing better. I know her gifts and untapped strength. I know she's a tough old bird who drives out the weak-minded and greedy, and rewards the morally conscious. If we don't dig in our heels and resolve to get  this right, then what the hell do we have to be proud of?

I'm going to sing the national anthem and celebrate the years to come with a mind, heart and will moving toward reconciliation with the first peoples of Canada--the best of Canada--the First Nations.

I pray every Canadian does the same. Happy Canada Day.

Huffington Post and the woefully uninformed writer

I live near Wakefield, Quebec, a small village in which independent artists create music, poetry, theatre, textiles, glasswork, woodwork, photography and more. Everything from the food we eat to the culture we consume comes from the place we live. Our seniors are anything but "elderly" and our way of life is DIY if all else fails. We are not conservative. Though we value tradition, we respect differing points-of-view and choices.

Or so I thought.

A traditionally published author in Wakefield has written an article for Huffington Post entitled Self-Publishing: An Insult to the Written Word. 

Laurie Gough is a fine travel writer; I have two of her books and a copy of her latest release on my shelf. But she does not know anything about self-publishing and to the best of my knowledge (based on this article) she made no attempt to inform herself before she posted her opinion piece. She is aware I am a self-published author. I cheerfully insult the written word every morning from 7 am and 12 noon.

Laurie makes an apology of sorts in the comments trail in which she more or less throws Canada under the bus saying self-publishing isn't as big up here. That doesn't fly with the Canadian authors on KBoards Writers' Cafe. (Founded by a Canadian author who passed away last year. Seriously, Laurie. Google is your friend.) 

HuffPo article take down of self-pubbers destroyed in comments

I drop into the Cafe every morning with my cup of coffee to wake my brain up and get started on the day. I usually don't read threads like the one above because, meh, I've heard it all before. I made $1400 in 20 years of traditional publishing and $10,000 in 2 years of self-publishing so I can't be bullied into thinking less of my work. For whatever reason, I opened the thread and Laurie's name came up. Talk about surreal. And then I read the piece and got a stomach ache.

I can accept that Laurie was expressing her personal opinion. What I can't accept is the utter lack of thought, research or fact-checking that went into forming her opinion before she hit "publish." She made no effort to challenge her beliefs and consequently she has no idea how to defend them.

We've all fallen victim to the sloppy journalism of online "news" so I won't go down that rabbit hole of dissecting the misquoted Margaret Atwood, the lazy analogies or the hyperbole. The over 700 comments do a better job of correcting the errors and misinformation.

Two authors address the fundamental flaws in Laurie's thinking better than I can.

It's Joe Hunt

Monster Hunter Nation

The interesting silver lining that I got out of this as I head into 2017 was the sense that I am part of something bigger. The traditional publishing system is far from obsolete and has a lot to offer society and writers. But where it can't serve, self-publishing is a viable alternative.

It is also work, but that's what's cool about it. I had no appreciation for what editors, publishers and agents were talking about in terms of marketability until I tried to sell my own books. I do now and that's the best thing about DIY--one is forced to be humble enough to learn.

A lesson I hope Laurie Gough gets out of all of this.

President Trump.

So does this mean the US electoral system isn't corrupt...?

Just trying to understand here.

All I heard every freaking day from Donald Trump during the campaign was that the US system for collecting votes and counting votes was "fixed", "rigged" -- completely untrustworthy, and heads were gonna roll if The Donald lost.

Well, The Donald won. So can I assume that the US President-elect was not lying and the electoral system that put him in office is "fixed", "rigged" and he didn't win fair and square?

Or is the system fine and The Donald is a liar. Did the US President-elect lie to the American people?

Which is it? Because it's one or the other.

Another quick question: if The Donald can lie about the US electoral system, can he be trusted to tell the truth when he takes the Oath of Office?

Hmm. A leopard does not change his spots as my mother used to say.

Read a book. Blow stuff up in your mind. This too shall pass.

Dear Donald Trump....

Men died to keep the democratic process in your country alive and well so Americans could live free.

This was not a cheap gift.

They died. They literally gave their lives for every vote that is cast in your country. Think about that for a minute. I know I do. I think about it every time I cast a vote in my country. I'm a freaking coward. I could not do what those young men did in WWI or WWII.

Remembrance Day is November 11, three days after the election in your nation. Are you really going to challenge the outcome of a democratic election when democratic nations all over the world are honouring the sacrifice made by their soldiers?

Democracy is messy, sometimes uncomfortable, often expensive and does not always work out the way we hope. Seriously. I'm a Canadian and I have no dog in this fight. But in defense of democracy, I have to speak up, even if it's just on this blog.

Just don't, man. If you lose, shake hands and move on. Respect the sacrifice others made to give you the freedom to do and say as you please. It is a favourite phrase of yours that you speak your mind. Well, buddy, a man much younger than you died to give you that privilege.

Suck it up. Be a man. And lose with grace.

2021 Edit: I might as well have saved my breath to cool my porridge as my Scottish mother would say. He lost and he cannot man up. It is literally not in him. Oh well. Not our problem. 

Dear Facebook

Why you are stupid:

1) My real name is Nadine Doolittle. It is my actual name given to me at birth. It is the name you rejected over and over when I tried to join your strange and irritating club.

2) I made a name up. This is the name you accepted. You wanted me to PROVE that I was Nadine Doolittle and I declined due to not having the technology required (scanner) or the interest when making up a name was easier. (Proof of identity was needed to prove I was the account holder which I could not do as I didn't have an account. Read Catch 22 for more info on why this is stupid.)

3) Although intriguing, the suggestion I now look for my "friends" with the fake name, is a stupid one.

4) Fake Name has no online presence. Real Name does. Fake Name has no government ID or pays taxes. Real Name gave birth, pays taxes, writes books, the whole catastrophe.

5) You sternly remind folks it is wrong to pretend to be someone else. In that spirit, I am not Fake Name.

That is all.

C'mon iTunes ... let's hug it out.

You know how when something is unjust and you are helpless to be heard or make a change and you just flail and flounder and rave at the fates and blog about it?

I woke to this very welcome email from the (now) lovely people at iTunes Legal/Notices. 
-----------------------------------------
Nadine Doolittle
Jul 22 (2 days ago)

to Erin
Hello Erin,
Can you confirm if any progress has been made on removing this title from iTunes Store?

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-grey-lady/id560171274?mt=11

The rights have reversed to me. I have since republished it and cannot promote or sell the book with this previous edition still being offered for sale on iTunes--in direct violation of its copyright. The literary agent for this work hasn't received a statement of earnings from iTunes nor has the original publisher.

What is going on? Why the delay?
----------------------------------------------------------

iBooks Store Notices
7:39 PM (11 hours ago)

to me
Hi Nadine,

We will be removing this title from the store today.

Best,
Annie
---------------------------------------------------------

iBooks Store Notices
8:17 PM (10 hours ago)

to me
Hi Nadine,

i can confirm that the book has now been removed.  If you still see the book, it may be a caching issue which will resolve itself within the next few hours.

Best,
Annie

-------------------------------------------------------

I can stop muttering incantations of doom every time I see a Watch commercial! My teeth will stop grinding in my head! I am filled with love for all things Apple! A reservoir of good will toward all men has been opened in my bosom! 

(I never hold a grudge because grudges take work to nurse and I'm too lazy.)

Thank you iTunes! Have a great day!

Apple Piracy Policy. Um, Really?

This is from their website:

"Apple actively and aggressively enforces its intellectual property rights to the fullest extent of the law. If you have any questions concerning piracy please fill out the form below."

Okay, so like I have a question? Um, I filled out the forms ... like so many forms, dude, and like no one has responded. So, like, are you sure about this piracy policy-thing of yours? Because I received word this morning from Amazon that my novel The Grey Lady is still being sold at $9.99 in the iTunes Store despite six DMCA notices filed, emails, forms filled out and complaints filed in that hellhole they call "Support."

Get this:

I thought I would give Apple the benefit of the doubt, you know? Maybe the page was a dead link, right? So I decided to try and buy the book myself. First I had download iTunes but my computer is too old, so iTunes Download told me to piss off.

Unable to check if the book was available for purchase, I was reduced to asking Amazon Support if they could check for me. (Let that sink in for a minute.) They emailed me this morning to say they checked and the book could be purchased.

Two years later without account statements sent to the agent or the original publisher. No royalty statements. No legal right to sell the book.

So to recap:

"Apple actively and aggressively enforces its intellectual property rights to the fullest extent of the law."

Apple is aggressive with pirates of their intellectual property. They could give a shit about your intellectual property. And when they are the ones doing the pirating, its a case of Fuck You.

Class dismissed.

Day 12. iTunes Legal. The Sequel.

Two years.
Five DMCA take down notices filed.
One query from an Apple legal representative.
Two emails from beleaguered author.
Result:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-grey-lady/id560171274?mt=11

I swear I will leave this post up for posterity if they remove The Grey Lady and the last laugh is on me.

Here's the thing: If you are not ready to sell books, then don't sell books. If you don't like dealing with authors and their pissy-diva complaints, then don't sell books. If you want lovely content to lure buyers to your freakishly expensive devices, then you'll be dealing with human beings who write books. If you don't want to deal with them, then don't sell books.

The thing about Corporate Image is it can't just be an image. The way a corporation treats its smallest customer is the measuring stick of their integrity, not a glossy ad campaign telling us you have integrity. I wrote a book. It was published. Shit happened and now we want the book removed from the iTunes Store. Easy-peasy. Literally every other book retailer managed to pull off this wondrous feat as soon as they were notified.

At the moment, I can't enroll The Grey Lady in KDP Select because it is being SOLD on iTunes without permission or payment in direct violation of copyright. This means I can't hold the promotions I planned for this summer. This means lost revenue.

It's not rocket science, Apple iTunes. It's book-selling and if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

(Speaking of ad campaigns, for the love of God, will the Conservative Party give us a break from those truly stupid Justin Trudeau attack ads? Running them every 15 minutes is not helping. One of the actors carps from a script about Mr. Trudeau's hair and all I can think about is his hair compared to Mr. Harper's hair and then I wonder 'Why am I thinking about hair?' In the meantime, Mr. Trudeau has an ad running about the issues facing middle-class Canadians. No mention of hair. Do the math, gentlemen.)

iTunes Legal, Are You Listening?

Dear iTunes Legal Department,

I'm not entirely sure you exist. I filled out forms online and hit Submit but for all I know that could just be a big placebo button to keep us hoping someone will actually do something.

Here's the thing.

You have my book The Grey Lady as it was published by McArthur and Company in 2012 still up for sale in your iTunes Store and I'd like you to remove it.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-grey-lady/id560171274?mt=11

See, boys ... (gosh this is awkward) it doesn't belong to you. It doesn't belong to McArthur anymore either. It belongs to me now and has since June 2013. McArthur and Co. gave it back when they closed their doors.

It's been three years. I've asked you nicely (July 2013 and August 2014) to remove the book from your store as

1) I don't receive royalties on it
2) I've published the book myself
3) I want you to

And just like the darling hipsters you are, you still haven't done it. I assume you are too busy believing your own hype to deal with copyright infringement. You still have that shitty interface for customers/authors/the great unwashed to file their complaints into the Apple Buzzkill Cloud where they can be ignored.

This is the response I received after filing a Copyright Infringement Complaint with Apple Legal:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us.

If you do not receive a response from an Apple employee, we regret that we are unable to process your request. Please note that due to the high volume of requests we receive, this may be the only other reply you will receive from us.

We appreciate your interest and consideration in contacting Apple.
Best Regards,
Apple Legal
Copyright Team

Cheers you fucking assholes. Now get my book out of your store.

Stealing in Broad Daylight

Um...

At this very moment I'm listening to the FULL ALBUM of Enya's Greatest Hits on YouTube.

15,909,875 people have tuned in since it was uploaded on November 13, 2013. plata oro is the entity behind the upload and they have 25,140 subscribers.

I don't get it. Did plata oro pay Enya's music label for the right to upload a digital copy? Did YouTube? Was it such a huge cost that the only way to recoup their investment is by running ads throughout? (I just skip 'em. No biggie.)

Has YouTube and plata oro uploaded the album and from the millions of listeners the artist is bound to attract (like me), they make a fantastic profit by selling ads to corporations? ("Psst, guys, I got a vid running on YouTube that has over 15 mil eyeballs. If you want a piece of the action it'll cost ya.")

I never have to pay for this album. It's crazy. I don't get it.

Wait--is this the Utopian Era of Communal Property and no one told me? Well, hot damn! There's a lovely little mansion in Silicon Valley I've had my eye on for some time ... so when can I move in?

Inquiring minds want to know.

(stolen from the National Enquirer. it's their tagline.)

Fifty Shades of Sheep

Across the street from an Author's house there is a field of sheep. For the most part they stick together at the hay troughs but every now and then something catches the fancy of one or two and off they go.

On this day, it was a book. The story had caught on with a few members of the flock and they ran off to read it from cover to cover. After a short time, hearing the shrieks of glee, several others followed not wanting to be left out. Gradually, more and more of the flock trotted after them, curious as only sheep can be, until only handful of sheep were left near the hay trough.

One of them looked at the others and said "Maybe we should go along just to see what the fuss is all about."

"It is about a movie based on a book about a virgin who wants to be controlled by a billionaire who has issues."

"So it's a romance?"

"Only if you think control is romantic," bleated another. "The girl doesn't want to think and she doesn't have to with the billionaire."

"There must be more to it than that. They seem to think it's Important," insisted a third sheep. He rose up on his skinny legs trying to see over the billboards, television ads and commercial sex shops circling the flock.

"The author made millions and millions from the book and now millions more from the movie. That's why it is Important."

"Ah, so it is a Worthy Piece of Culture."

"The Media certainly think so and the Media are never wrong," intoned an older sheep.

"Then why do we not follow the others and get in on this party!" bleated one of the younger sheep, clearly chomping at the bit. "I, for one, do not like to Miss Out."

"By all means, go if you must. I, for one, have no trouble Missing Out," said one of the sheep who had joined the discussion late. "I Missed Out on Pet Rocks, Cabbage Patch Kids and Tickle Me Elmo. I slept through Twilight and I forgot to turn up for Titanic. But go if you like. It will do you no harm."

"It will do you no good either but that never seems to enter into the equation," griped one of the quieter sheep of the flock.

"Oh, not this again," groaned the older sheep. "This Fad is no different from the days of the Roman circus. We survived that nonsense, we shall survive this."

"There were fewer of us then. It seems like it's much easier these days to fool all of the sheep all of the time."

"You are taking this far too seriously. It is only a movie. I am not going only because I don't like crowds."

One of the flock at the premiere had broken away and was careening toward them at a dangerous speed wearing a black silk mask. The Ewe skidded into them breathlessly. "The movie is even better than the book!" she gushed. "It is very naughty and we're all watching the naughtiness together so it doesn't feel like we're baaad. A documentary filmmaker said this is an insightful phenomenon; women are finally coming out of the closet about their sexuality."

One of the Ewes who had stayed behind rolled her eyes but did not comment for fear of being labelled a prude. She was a prude and she would admit it freely if prudery hadn't become a dirty word within the flock.

The young sheep bolted to his legs and gamboled off after the masked Ewe to catch the second showing of the movie.

The older sheep bent his rickety old legs and settled near the trough. "I suppose it'll be hours now before anyone shows up with anything nourishing for us to eat."

"Hours? It will be years before Culture recovers from this shock. Mark my words. Look at them. The sheer weight of their collective shades of wool has shifted the balance. No one will want to invest in the really nourishing hay after this."

"You are probably right," bleated the sheep who had joined the conversation late. "I found a patch of grass at the fringe of the field. I think I'll graze on that until the fuss dies down and things get back to normal around here."

The rest of the sheep settled near the trough of stale hay to wait for nourishing feed. Some continued to grumble but most were not at all surprised that a book about a girl who did not want to think had struck such a chord among sheep.

The Trouble with Kindle Select

If you are traditionally published you delude yourself that your publisher will honour the contract. If you are self-published you delude yourself that you are in control of the contract. I'll say this for Kindle Select--it has a way of disabusing authors of the notion that we are anything but in control.

A Case Study:

On Thu, Aug 28, 2014 at 11:06 PM, Kindle Direct Publishing wrote:

Hello,
We found the following book(s) you've published doesn’t meet the KDP Select content guidelines. Books enrolled in KDP Select must be exclusive to Amazon in digital format during the entirety of their enrollment in the program.
Iced Under (Gatineau Hills Mystery Book 1) (ASIN: B00JR9ZSAW) is available on: http://www.nook.com/gb/ebooks/iced-under-by-nadine-doolittle/2940045818025

Our records indicate that we previously informed you that submitting non-exclusive content to KDP Select is not acceptable and may result in loss of KDP Select benefits.
As a result of repeat violations of the KDP Select exclusivity requirement, we have removed all of your books from the KDP Select program. Your titles remain available in the Kindle Store. Please note that repeat violations of the program’s exclusivity requirement may result in loss of KDP Select benefits, including participation in the Kindle Owners’ Lending Library (KOLL), Kindle Unlimited, and the usage of free promotion days. To ensure KDP Select benefits are not revoked, please be sure that all of your KDP Select-enrolled books are exclusive to Amazon in digital format at the time of enrollment.
Check out this page to learn more about the KDP Select guidelines: https://kdp.amazon.com/self-publishing/help?topicId=200798990#eligibility For all other KDP questions visit: kdp.amazon.com/self-publishing/contact-us

Best regards, Kindle Direct Publishing http://kdp.amazon.com

MY RESPONSE:

How is this even possible! I closed my account with Smashwords months ago which was the only distributor I used for these ebooks. I unpublished them long before that. I fully understand Select's requirements and I have adhered to them. You say there have been repeat violations:

1) The Grey Lady found at iBooks (for which it was removed from Select) was not even the same ISBN! I emailed Apple immediately to remove this previously published edition; the book was removed immediately. I was still penalized.

2) Lie For Me was removed Select although the product page at Kobo clearly indicated the book was not available for sale until after the term ended. I queried before I listed it there and was informed pre-orders were okay. Apparently not. ​​

3) I did everything in my power long before enrolling Iced Under in Select to remove all digital copies. It wasn't enough. Apparently ebook distributors are just as irresponsible as traditional publishers.

Finally, because this is the third time I have experienced trouble "adhering to the guidelines" it is perhaps best if I don't participate in the program. If a backlist book has been published anywhere in the world, the author has no hope of finding every digital copy that has been distributed. I did my very best to make sure I was following the rules and it wasn't good enough.

I give up.

Sincerely, Nadine Doolittle

I know I did what was legally and ethically required of me to remove my ebooks from all channels before enrolling them in Select. But it wasn't enough because the guy at the other end did not do all that was legally and ethically required of him to remove the ebooks from all channels.

And so endth the lesson.

Amazon acquires Twitch

WARNING: CRANKY RANT AHEAD

Amazon has acquired/merged/bought Twitch for something between 970 mil and 1.1 bil depending on your news source. Now, this next bit I have to explain very slowly because I'm still in shock even though it's been 12 hours since I heard the news clip on the CBC National last night. Bear with me. Twitch Interactive, Inc. is a streaming website where users watch other people play video games.

Users WATCH other users play video games.

Let that sink in for a minute. (God knows, a minute is all we can stand to think about anything these days.) It was suggested by a young gamer in the segment that this was similar to viewers watching televised sports. At this point I said "What the fuck?"

And now I have to do the unthinkable. I have to defend televised sports. There are three reasons why watching a kid playing video games is NOTHING like watching professional sports.

1) Athletes. Real people taking real hits. Watching a gamer get to the next level in a digital environment is not the same thing because a gamer is not an athlete. Watch if you must, but don't compare it to watching a professional athlete on the field/court/rink/track. And if you don't see why you can't, go outside and run around the block. For a year. See? Gaming is not athletics.

2) Risk. In professional sports, all the stakeholders have assumed a level of risk and responsibility. Money is on the line, careers and reputations. What's on the line for a gamer who screws up? Nada. Zip. Sitting in mom's basement, gaming on devices bought by one's parents is not a high risk endeavor.

3) Rarity. Few human beings are willing to put in the hours of training required to become pro athletes but there are hundreds of thousands of us willing to play games all day. Which makes gaming a hobby, not a profession. If watching people play video games is your thing then make it your thing. Give it your own designation. Unplug it from comparisons that are just plain insulting. I have no suggestions because to me it's the equivalent of watching nothing happen. Even paint drying has a purpose to it...

In conclusion, I want to congratulate Twitch and Amazon for driving this gym-loathing, sports-hating bookworm into defending professional sports! Nice going! Hell just froze over!